Thursday, November 8, 2007

Seinfeld to Letterman: "What's the Deal With That Crazy Woman My Wife Stole All Her Cookbook Ideas From?"

If you haven’t been keeping up with the controversy about Jessica Seinfeld’s Deceptively Delicious, read my November October 18 post to review.

Really, after this I won’t write about the book or the ridiculous Seinfeld’s anymore, but I saw Jerry spout off like a nasty, ranting loon on this Letterman clip and I felt the only person who might be able to intervene is Oprah.

So, I wrote her a letter...but it's okay, we have that kind of relationship.

Dear Oprah,

I applaud you for sticking by your friends. Oh, it sucks because there’s all this press about Jessica Seinfeld maybe lifting a recipe or two…or 12 from The Sneaky Chef’s book. But that doesn’t taint your credibility at all. I mean we all know you had Jessica on the show because you and Jerry are buds, and he had this Bee Movie coming out, and you were in the movie, and the book probably seemed like a nice fun diversion for your Mommy audience and every body knew this was just one of those nepotism things.

And we all like nepotisim…ya know, when it happens to us…and think it stinks when it happens to privileged celebrities…but that reminds me – what’s up with all the shoes that Jessica gave you? There was like $20,000 worth. Whew! Opie, did you need new shoes and were too proud to tell us?

Still, it was a very nice gesture on Jessica’s part. I mean, that appearance really put her book on the map because people pretty much do whatever you say. Like when you say this thing is a good thing to buy and people just run out to the store and buy it. Now, I’m not suggesting that people don’t think for themselves or you’re like Jim Jones and 50 million viewers are drinking the Kool Aid, because that wouldn’t be exactly accurate, but it is pretty great that after an author appears on your show, their book just sits on the best seller list.

Now don’t get me wrong, Opie - I’d lurve to be one of those authors. And you can bet if I had a book to sell, I’d want to do it with you - which is why I’m so happy we are so close because if we weren’t, I’d have to try hard to get my book on the air.

I hear The Sneaky Chef and her publishers pitched your show like 5 times and you didn’t want them on the show. That’s so weird. I wonder how many times Jessica had to pitch your show? Probably a lot, right?

But I get why you’d want Jessica on the show. It’s good to keep it all in the family. I’ve noticed a lot of your celebrity friends come on your show when they have movies coming out. If I had a show, I’d want all my friends on, too. And really The Sneaky Chef is kind of a stick in the mud anyway, I mean she’s all hopped up on rutabaga and pureed kale - she definitely wouldn’t bring in the viewers…and besides, she has a pretty small shoe budget. I’d go with Jessica Seinfeld any day.

You made the right call and I’m sure Jessica was on her way to becoming the next Martha Stewart until…well, you know…all that pesky alleged plagiarism happened. Uh oh! We’re back to that again. That really put a cross in her buns, didn’t it?

Well, Opie, I’m with you – she probably didn’t lift those recipes. Maybe she copied them in her sleep, or she laid the book under her pillow and the recipe ideas seeped into her head by osmosis, or maybe she’s psychic, you know that happens to a lot of people – they see dead people and ya know, recipes for vegie brownies in the middle of the night.

Better yet, maybe her “ghostwriter” lifted the recipes. Really, lots of celebrities use ghostwriters. No crime in that – that’s how I make a living here at Casa Yummy Mummy.

She might have hired a ghostwriter and that ghostwriter did the alleged plagiarizing. You know, Opie, this may solve everything. I mean, it would be easy for “Some Lame Ass Ghostwriter” (SLAG) to copy a few things because the Sneaky Chef has a prominent google-able website and I’m sure if SLAG was doing research to write the comparative titles section for the book proposal, she must have stumbled upon that website.

And SLAG – if she exists - might have thought that borrowing a few little tiny purreed buttnernut squash recipes from an obscure blogger wouldn’t hurt anyone, right? Okay, this is great! – Jessica can blame the whole mess on the ghostwriter!

Oh but wait! This puts Jessica in a sticky pickle, doesn’t it? Because if she points the finger at SLAG then, she’ll have to admit she might not have written the book…Oh! Such tangled webs, Opie!

And let’s talk about those editors at Harper Collins – They completely forgot they rejected The Sneaky Chef’s book - ya know, with like the same concept and recipes - just weeks before they received Jessica’s proposal and decided to buy it. Weird isn’t it? Sneaky Chef…bad. Seinfeld…good. Hmmm...

Oh! I get it! Sometimes I can be so thick, Opie! Jessica is married to Jerry! Harper Collins probably would publish a book about glue if one of the Seinfeld’s wrote it. Now, I’m on it. The glare of the Seinfeld’s earning and marketing potential must have blinded the folks at Harper Collins, making it impossible for them to remember that the two books had the same recipes and concept. That explains everything! We should send those editors some sunglasses, Opie. Can I borrow a few bucks for a present for the HC editors?

Now, I have to admit, Opie. I’m really blaming you for this whole debacle. I mean this would barely have been a blip on the radar screen if you hadn’t invited Jessica to be on your show. Both pureeing books would’ve died on the vine in obscurity.

I mean, maybe you and the Sneaky Chef and Jessica get together on Sunday nights and giggle like teenagers and puree your zucchinis in your jammies and socks but I I‘m not that…well…dull. I would rather poke myself in the eyeballs with a pins or remove my spleen with a fork than stand in front of the food processor mashing up cauliflower and then, washing all those dirty pans in my copious amounts of free time.

It all feels like you guys are rolling back the clock to the 1950’s to me…you know, which makes sense since the book cover looks so damn much like a Betty Crocker cook book anyway, but I suppose that was all on purpose, wasn't it?

And speaking of the 1950’s – what have you done to Jerry’s manhood? It’s like he has been traveling in a time machine!

I saw him on TV flattening the Sneaky Chef instead of plugging his poorly reviewed movie, he called her all sorts of bad names – like “wacko”, “hysterical”, and “angry”. Jerry was very mean, Opie. He talked like men from the olden days who used words like “hysterical” to keep women in their place.

I’m sorry to say you’ve driven Jerry to become a mysogynist. It’s kinda of like Salem all over again – men ranting about the crazy women and then setting up stakes in the town square...or you know, Letterman. Tsk. Tsk.

And this should be a lesson to you, Opie - if you don’t mind me giving you some advice, one friend to another. You should stop all that book reading you do on the show. Or okay, maybe you should just READ the book before you have the author on the show. This might help you determine if they really wrote the book or if they just made stuff up, ya know, like that James Frey guy. Wow…This has happened to you a lot, hasn’t it?

I know you depend a lot on your producers and I’m sure they do lots of important stuff, but I think…since we are so close and all I can say this…maybe they’re not actually READING the books. I mean, I bet if you sold some shoes, you could hire a professional to actually READ the books and look more selectively at the authors. Wow! Nifty idea, isn’t it?

I love you, Opie. Don’t get me wrong. But I think you should give up all this book business and just stick to what you do best – you know, those touchy-feely, kissy face interviews with your friends like, Maya Angelou and Tom Cruise. And you can even throw in an episode or two about losing weight. We love it when you talk about your battle with the bulge. It makes us feel like you are just like us and we are just like you. We love that feeling!

But I guess at the end of the day, we know the difference – $20,000 shoe gifts and size 4 celebrity moms with turbo-blenders always bring us right back down to earth.

Love & Kisses...



cadiz12 said...

well, at least O has proven that despite rising to rule the world, she hasn't forgotten all the little people.

Veronica said...

Fantastic letter!

kate said...

I love your candor.

This whole thing, this Jessica junk and that stupid cookbook is just so stupid.

Let's leave it alone, let it die a slow death. Celebrities can be such royal pains in the arse. They think that because they have a 'name' that they can do whatever and get away with it. Thankfully, this whole debacle makes the Seinfelds look like poo; zilch in the credibility department, just like it should be for a plaigiarist.