A Typical Day at Work

I am sitting on the couch with my laptop on my lap. I am ready to write something brilliant. Or just something not terribly boring with bad grammar. Lucy is standing behind me on the couch with her arms looped around my neck. She is trying to climb up my back.

She just said “Mommy, you have a funny neck”. She laughs a lot while she repeats this over and over. Note to self: Check neck in mirror later. Look for funniness.

I keep tapping away at the computer. But she is trying to crawl up my back and she is trying to lodge one foot in the small of my back and use that to hoist herself up. Her foot keeps slipping and my body is rocking side to side.

I keep writing words like this, msdb djshdjskd sfskdj and I have to go back and fix them.This is all going slowly.

Edie just walked in and threw a Dora book on the keyboard and said very clearly, “Dora!” She says 'Dora" like she is scolding me. She is now repeating it over and over, “Dora!...Dora!...Dora!” and will probably keep repeating it until I read Dora Goes to the Dentist. I feel scolded. I’m working right now, so I won’t be reading to her, which means she’ll keep chanting “Dora!” over and over. I decide to tune her out.

Oh! An unexpected move! Edie just threw the book on the floor and is now jabbing her fingers on the keyboard. We’re now typing words like this, ksdjfjdn kdsjf jfijfkdnvn kf. Her favorite thing is to reach over and turn off the WLAN so I’m no longer connected to the Internet. The WLAN button is a bright, shiny, blue button that stands out from the rest. (Thanks to the Geek boy without kids who designed this laptop.)

Oops! Just as I suspected - there goes the WLAN. Who needs access to the Internet anyway? Edie keeps typing words like ncababscn asjd .

Lucy has decided that trying to climb up my back is either impossible or it is not garnering enough attention from me, so she has moved on to hanging off my neck…and swinging. She still has her hands looped around my neck only this time her fist is kind of wedged into my larynx. This is not painful, but it does make me wonder how much of this my neck can take before it just snaps off like a twig.

Oh! Edie has tired of punching buttons and is moving onto the couch. Ten bucks says she’s going in for boobie. Wait for it…Wait for it…Wait for it…Oh yes! She has my boob in her mouth. She is kneeling next to me and is bent over with my boob in her mouth, kinda half sitting, half standing. As Lucy swings back and forth on my neck, my body swings a little with her and so does Edie and my boob.

I keep typing words like sdjfsdbnsb dfbfsdbfsbdbdvhbv hfbshdbvbsv kdjb.

Now Lucy has jumped off the couch. I stop gasping for air. She grabs my sweater and – Oh! Very clever! – uses it as a rope to climb back up the side of the couch. And – Oh Yes! – the side of me. I’m like her rock wall. Okay, she’s behind me again and back swinging on my neck. I feel the decrease in oxygen to my brain.

Okay, Edie seems finished with the boob and has gotten up and moved in back of me with Lucy. Uh…yeah…now both of them have their arms looped around my neck. They are trying to pull me backward. They are laughing.

Hurting Mommy is hysterical. They are having a blast. Note to self: Kids seem to have a lack of empathy. Ask pediatrician at next Wellness visit if he thinks they are psychopaths.

Oh! A spat has broken out. They are pushing each other. They are fighting to see who gets to swing on Mommy’s neck. They are both lying on my back and trying to push the other off of Mommy.

Someone starts to scream. Edie is pinching Lucy’s cheek. She has a hand full of her face. She is digging in her nails. Lucy retaliates by sticking her foot against her sister and pushing with all her might. I think about intervening, but I have work to do and they are pretty evenly matched now. I decide to see how it all turns out.

There are screams. Cries. They tumble into a big pile on the couch behind me. Edie still has a wad of face in her hand. Lucy is on top of her sister, pushing her fingers into her stomach. I think I’ll have to break it up. I start to put down my laptop. But then….

Laughter. They are laughing. It is so clear. And tickling each other. Lucy is tickling Edie and yelling “Bellybutton!” and Edie is curled up trying to protect hers, but she is screaming with glee.

They are happy again. And no one is crushing my voice box. I can breathe again. I rub my neck and I start typing words that make perfect sense and are spelled correctly. The words are flying onto the page now.

I AM PRODUCTIVE!!!!...for like 20 seconds. I take what I can get.

The girls slide off the couch, chasing each other and run into their toy room. I keep typing. My phone rings. It’s a client. I’m ghostwriting his book. I answer, but tell him I can’t talk because I’m writing.

And I am now. So, really I’m not lying or anything.

xxxooo YM