Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Hoo-Ha Spray: 101

Dear Readers -

Now you've done it. You've made me go off on a tangent and write about something completely ridiculous and inane and not anything I'm supposed to be writing about...

And having to do with vaginas. I'm writing about vaginas.

Completely your fault, commenters.

In my last post, the message boards were hot with questions about the mysterious spray now known as "The Hoo-Ha Spray".
Apparently, single people, the married folks without kids, some men, people outside the continental U.S. and C-Sectioniers missed the whole Hoo-Ha boat.

So, allow me to get you up to speed. This is The Hoo-Ha Spray.

They give you a couple cans of this stuff when you leave the hospital after having a vaginal delivery. It's like a parting gift or something, along with a good talking to about how you shouldn't starve your child or drown her in the bath tub or sleep for like the next three months. In fact, they tell you to constantly wring your hands with worry over things like meningitis, SIDS, improperly installed car seats and those long cords that help you move the blinds up and down that could wrap around your child's neck like an anaconda and snuff the life out of her.

Seriously, between the intense pain in your crotch and the debilitating worry, it's a wonder you don't just douse yourself with kerosene, set yourself on fire and get the pain over with immediately. But you don't because some opinionated jack ass in the form of a relative or know-it-all friend who already has kids, will tell you that no matter how hard it is now, it will only get worse when they are teenagers and smarter, faster and able to totally pull the wool over your eyes.

So, you come to terms with the fact that stationery and helpless is a blessing and now is as good as it gets.

Not that it matters because you are still delirious from the 47 hours of labor and the three straight hours of pushing out of your vagina the largest bowel movement of your entire colon-cracking life and you are convinced that the hospital nurses are high on crack because they let amateurs like you and your husband leave the hospital with a fragile newborn, because even though you don't let it show, you guys have absolutely no friggin' idea what you're doing and this kid is surely in danger of being dropped, stepped on, left in the car seat on the car roof or licked by the family dog.

Butt no matter what's happening, that little bottle of Hoo-Ha spray is your constant companion after you give birth. It isn't as good as booze, let's say or valium or...booze, but it's close. You see, during the birth process, your genitals can swell into a raw, bulbous inhuman malformation that looks like this:

The genitals of two women, just minutes after their vaginal deliveries

The spray is to alleviate the intense pain you are feeling as you hobble home in your loose fitting sweat pants with your low-hanging bulbous nether regions feeling all steamy, pink, swollen, inhuman and humungous. You also get to sit on this inflatable donut (when you get to sit down) because the thought of your Babboon genitals actually touching a chair or supporting the 90 extra pounds you've gained in the pregnancy is nearly unbearable and so you have to carry around a bag big enough to hold your cans of Hoo-ha, your inflatable donut, your bottle of Colt 45 and a super-sized box of maxi pads because there's sooooo much happening down under that there will not be enough Maxi in all of Duane Reade to satisfy your needs.

Forget diapers and wipes, that designer diaper bag the in-laws bought you is crammed with stuff to make your vagina feel better.

I bet you wished you hadn't asked...

That's enough about the vagina.

xxxooo YM

P.S. Special thanks to the ever-creative Evil Chef Mom, who coined the term "Hoo-Ha Spray" and is probably a life-long abuser of all tingly vagina sprays, devices and accoutrement. I don't know this for sure, but she's definately the type.



Neen said...

Okay, wait. Wait. The pain DOESN'T STOP when the damn Bundle o Luv gets ejected? It doesn't magically get better?! Oh crap.

-- signed, a very very non-pregnant woman with very very big eyes right now.

Molly said...

I was too afraid to use the Hoo-Ha spray that I got in the hospital. I kept looking at it and thinking, "Spray mount. Lysol. Aquanet. Aerosol deoderant."

Instead, I had this odd arrangement of disposable underpants with a special pocket for a cold pack.

It wasn't a perfect solution, but it also wasn't a can of Spray mount.

ntsc said...

My ex did not get a can of that stuff when we checked her and the 'bundle of joy' out back in 75.

The bundle of joy cried, screamed and carried on for the next three days. The problem turned out to be a simple one, he wanted air conditioning. We figured this out when we put him in the car to show him to his grandmothers. He shut up as soon as the car AC came on.

Krysta said...

I'll come back after I stop laughing and wondering what I unleashed on the wold. I'm speechless right now.

Krysta said...

I'm laughing so damn hard I can't even spell the word world.

Shannon said...

What. No awesome recipe at the end of this post? ;)

I honestly never knew that the hoo-ha turned into those baboon genitals. Thank gawd I had those c-sections.

Mommy said...

I did not ask on your last post, because I seriously thought you were kidding!

This must be an east coast thing, no one I know ever even mentioned it...and most of my girlfriends delivered at the same hospital as me. All I got was those ugly undies and super-sized maxi pads to stick in them. AND I was told to take a sitz bath twice a day.

amy said...

I somehow stumbled on your blog during my search for crock pot recipes - more specifically a hilarious post about grocery shopping. and since I laughed non-stop, between the writing & the pictures, I'm hooked.

my boyfriend is looking at me like I have lost my mind & trying to see what is so funny by looking at my laptop upside down.

avra said...

In the name of cross-border cultural exchange of post-partum practises, I thank you--I think..


I got a squirt bottle that I had to fill with warm water every time I wanted to use it. And an ugly looking green sitz bath thing, which I never used.

Fortunately, the memory of it all faded away quite quickly, and even this post isn't bringing it back for me.

Izzy's Mama said...

I'm guessing that you would put little faith in the following possibilities:

Jennifer said...

Now I think I will be adopting ALL my kids...let someone else deal with the Hoo-Ha Spray!

Elizabeth Cobb Durel said...

oh no! i really want to laugh, but can't because my jaw is hanging open and my legs are tightly crossed.

non knocked up

ps--love your blog!


Thank god my sister was a labor & delivery nurse--she hipped me to two things: DEERMOPLAST & COLACE, squirreling away copious amounts of both for me, which I still have if anyone is desperate. Let me know and I will re-gift--although I have contemplated what a funny e-bay auction that might be:
EbayItem #666HOOHA COOTER CONDIMENTS!: Lot of partially used, but new-in-YOUR-box post-delivery items up for auction. 16 cans of Dermoplast, 1 squirt bottle (use it later as a basting bottle or artful sauce-squirter!), one hemmerhoid donut ring (do not eat though breastfeeding will turn you savage with hunger), 2 jars TUCK's pads (also good on sleep-deprived under-eye bags), 1 JUMBO jar Colace Stool Softener (take 2 and pray in the morning), four pairs meshy-weird boy-underpants, which (sorry!) only look good on Julia Roberts. FREE today with Buy It Now option: Solo Sex for Dummies book-on-CD to give to your husband/parter/turkey baster, who you will NEVER want to touch you again. He can listen to it as he drifts off into 8 hours of uninterrupted, blissful, non-resentful slumber next to you.
Let's start the bidding at 99cents--but there's No Reserve on this experience, baby!"
DERMOPLAST ROCKS. My kids are toddlers; after the pain abated I was foolish enough to do it all over again and THEN found all sorts of new uses for the stuff. Great on stubbed toes, stubbed hoo-has, kitchen burns.

Asthmagirl said...

I'm laughing so hard, my hoo-ha hurts!
I never got hoo-ha spray. Ever. I did get my husband threatening to sand bag me (as in stacking sandbags against the swiftly rising river) if my nether regions didn't quit with all the "activity".
I also got the squirt bottle for rinsing.

I do confess to taking my puppy to the vet because there was something wrong with her hoo haw. My vet looked like he was going to burst that vein in his forehead trying not to laugh. He took her in the back for a 'pelvic'. Turns out, she was "becoming a woman" a little early. I also learned that not only could you give a puppy a pelvic, but the correct name for their anatomy is "vulva" not Hoo Haw. The vet made me say it twice. Vulva, Vulva!

E said...

Oh wow, I remember that even now almost 10 years later. I did the whole natural childbirth thing and gave birth to a 9lb10oz boy. I had some nice stiches to show for it and went through multiple cans of that stuff. I am glad I work from home because I just whooped out a huge laugh at that one!

Annie K. Nodes said...

Ok, now I'm feeling gyped. I didn't realize there was ready made hoo ha spray. I was given witch hazel in a spray bottle. WTF?!?!? It's enough to make me want to go have another runt.

cook eat FRET said...

extremely funny stuff here
evil mom sent me
well worth the cyber flight

Anonymous said...

Kim, I swear some of your posts on kids, including this hoo ha one might actually be used as a means of birth control.

I'm serious! Like with teenagers!

I never have even heard of that spray; I didn't get squat upon being discharge after my son was born (14 years ago last Saturday) just an warning not to have sex (yeah, right) and not to wear tight jeans (another yeah, right)

grocer said...

if that's not a form of contraception, I don't know what is!!!

I struggle to understand how my mother ever coped. Being her first and smallest child at 9lb10oz. with the third and last nudging the 11lb mark...

no wonder she's a bit scatty at times.

Lyvvie said...

Who says the NHS is so great?! I never got an inflatable donut OR any ho-haa spray! All we got was a bag of condoms - like there was the remotest chance they'd be used for the next eon.

Elizabeth Cobb Durel said...

So the first time I left comment, I was non-knocked up. And now that I am knocked up (10 weeks thus far), your post today (love your blog!) made me think of hoo-hoo spray. So luckily this was here when I clicked on the vagina tag. This is now on my list of "must-haves" and I am going to smuggle a gallon of it into Norway. I'm pretty certain they aren't the type to be passing it out here. So thanks for the enlightenment!