Tuesday, November 10, 2009

If a Couple of City People Open a Wine Bottle in the Woods & No One is There to See it, Did They Really Open The Bottle?

So, the moral of this post, before I even get started, is "When you buy a house in the country - and you can't run across the street to the bodega to buy a corkscrew or go knock on the door down the hall at 11pm to get your half-naked, nearly-asleep neighbor in his underpants and black socks to open your bottle - make sure you buy a freakin' corkscrew or your only chance of having a nightcap is going to be to lick the rubbing alcohol bottle in the bathroom."

I just had my heart set on a glass of wine. David was not going into to town to buy me a corkscrew. I was too damn lazy to even consider it and I'm afraid of the dark so being outside with all the rabid raccoons wandering around ready to pounce on me was out of the question.

And I was pissed that I actually went to the trouble to buy a bottle and was now only able to stare at it on the kitchen counter. The bottle mocked me.

Then, I had a thought...Surely, we weren't the first people dumb enough not to own a corkscrew. I mean, there are, like, millions of idiots in the world, right?

And this is where You Tube comes in. I search the site for "How to open a wine bottle without a corkscrew" and I learn that there are a bunch of good ways to go about doing this. One of which involves a tree if you are ever without a corkscrew at say, a romantic picnic in the woods, and you're trying to get laid, so going back to civilization will cramp your plans for heavy petting in the bushes.

I filmed this method below which was perfect for middle aged people who just tore out kitchen cabinets and had a bunch of tools laying around. Romantic picnics are for wusses anyway and I prefer to do my heavy petting indoors, thank you. I'm leaving the tree method for you youngsters.

Notice how McGyver my husband is on this video and how excited that gets me. And notice how cool and laid back David is while I act like he had performed a Pope-certified miracle. I showed him the video and he decided that he looked like a complete jerk and he remarked that now that I have this Flip Video Camera, nothing is scared or safe from public viewing anymore.

Er, yeah, something like that, Sweetie.

Did you notice the kids are watching the You Tube Video that taught us this great idea (which I would've linked here but I couldn't find it again)? You can hear it playing on the computer. And since they watched it like 36 times, start to finish, they actually are the only preschoolers in the tri-state area who can now recite all the steps for opening a wine bottle with a hammer and a screw.

My kids are so cool.

Lucy plans on doing a full demo at show and tell. The Mommies at preschool are gonna lurve me now.

And please don't ask me what's on Lucy's head. I have absolutely no idea.

xo YM



Shore said...

Hi Kim,

Now that is one cool trick...
Bravo to David! Will have to demonstrate at our Finger Lakes wine dinner.
If you're in the neighborhood again at good old
Slaughter Beach, stop by and say hello!
I remember that 4th of July storm- the kids at our party screamed at the top of their lungs when the lightning struck. So did you see the fireworks the next evening? They sure put on a helluva show for such a tiny town!
Just curious, what kind of wine did you enjoy last evening?

Love your blog, although I make sure to P before reading... :)


SaintTigerlily said...

Hahahaha. That is the funniest thing I've ever seen. Amazing.

The Mulligan Family said...

Well, we always knew that David was a total "rock star"... now we have evidence on video! too cool! I'm definitely going to have to remember THAT trick!

Cheryl Arkison said...

He does not come off as a jerk at all, but he looks pretty pissed when the girls drop the computer. My Hubby would have been MUCH louder if that happened in our house.

ntsc said...

Yes that method works, figured it out before there were home computers. even back then people wanted to get laid.

The Yummy Mummy said...

NTSC - Wow...I didn't think people from the olden days cared about sex. It's good you can still remember being horny. I mean, you're like 90, right?

And frankly, I expect you can uncork a wine bottle with your teeth. That's how manly I think you are...