Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I Just Want to say That I Love My Husband...

David & Lucy, 2 of the 3 loves of my life...

I feel I have to publicly declare my love before you read this post because David’s been doing some freaky business in my kitchen and he’s messing up my kitchen happiness and so although I adore him and want you to understand he’s my best friend and an incredible father to the girls and a wonderful patient - dare I say, saint-like - husband to me and my difficult self, he’s also a big freak.

And he’s cramping my style.

See, there is not a fad this man has not loved. If it has been invented by Ron Popeil, sold on TV for $19.99, written up in some magazine or promoted as the next life-changing, anti-aging, cancer-killing, energy-enhancing, environment-supporting, cholesterol-reducing, fountain-of-youth thing, my husband has bought it.

And not just bought it and used it like a sane person. No, David has taken it on as his new lifestyle.

Australian Bush-wacker.

Take for instance his sudden obsession with powdered fruit – 54 kinds of fruit all ground up into a powder that you can drink when added to water. He did this to avoid actually eating the fruit.

“Why eat fruit one at a time when I can eat 54 fruits I one sitting?” he says to me, with little grains of fruit powder hanging in his beard.

That's what I want...a man with ground up fruit clinging to his body hair.

That little, tiny black speck thing on the right side of the rock is my husband. Not that I was worried or anything.

Doesn't that big boulder he's climbing look like it might tip over? Not that I was worried or anything.

Yep, that's him. These were taken in Joshua Tree. Not that I was worried or anything.

David with Lucy and her friend, Carson climbing the rocks. Not worried about that inappropriate activity either.

Anyway, a 3 month supply of his powdered fruit came in like these enormous tubs that were too big to fit in any NYC-sized cupboard and so they piled up unattractively on the kitchen counter and every three months the wacka-doodles at the company sent a bunch more of their enormous tubs, automatically charging David’s credit card another whopping $85.98 and of course, David was headed off to Hatha Yoga or whatever the next fad was and had finished lecturing me about how I would grow old and withered with my leathery skin hanging off my face and he would drink his fruit and look 29 and hot with his face like George Hamilton.

The gi-normous tubs kept coming and we kept getting billed and David kept forgetting because he had dropped these fruit people like yesterday’s Hatha Yoga and one day when I was hormonal and pregnant I yelled at some poor phone operator and threatened to send the tubs to her house if she didn’t stop our order immediately and then I think I threatened her puppy or something equally offensive and they wiped us off the roster for good.

Apparently, fruit powder doesn’t make you a nicer person.

David & Edie, looking for trouble on the playground.

Then, there was David’s “personal productivity” period where he obsessively read “personal productivity” literature and performed long tireless sermons about how I could save like 2 minutes a day if I just spent 100 hours setting up some kind of personal organizational system and then, there was lots of talk about how it would be better if I were organized just like him which made me consider setting a up a “personal productivity” system where I just stopped listening to him and that would save me like 3 hours a day.

Another rock climbing trip to The Gunks, in New Paltz. David feeds Lucy cereal in the hotel.

Now, I am faced with David’s latest obsession - The Rosedale Diet.

He’s in my kitchen this morning pointing out carbs on our plates like they were meal worms that had fallen into our food. He actually said to me, “If you put that spoon in your mouth that rice will convert to sugar and your body will burn it instead of fat…Tsk Tsk”

He "tsked" me. Freak.

America's Next Top Model Wanna-Be

David came home a week or so ago with a new diet book (this Rosedale thing) in his hand and declared that he would no longer eat pasta, rice, booze, bread, anything with sugar or fat. And then he mumbled something this morning with his head in the refrigerator about maybe only eating meat a couple times a week and how maybe I could cook with less butter.

Then, he amended himself and said butter was good, but the V word was mentioned (vege-freaka-tarian) in several different ramblings and I had to leave before some family mandate was declared and David started pulling duck fat and slab bacon out of the back of the fridge and hucking it into the trash.

Now, I'm in Starbucks licking my wounds, spending the girls college fund on venti black iced teas and hoping no one will steal my lap top when I go to the bathroom. The worst part of this little melodrama is that his new diet...excuse me, I mean "lifestyle" (apparently "diets" don't work, but "lifestyles" do or so it goes in the sermon) has helped him lose enough weight to make him weigh less than me and to make matters worse after the pregnancy, we now have the same shoe size.

His new "lifestyle" makes me feel like crap.

At least I know it'll only last another couple of weeks...

xxoo YM

P.S. For those of you who might consider writing me to tell me how mean I am to my husband, just know that he's been asking me for the last two days when I was going to "send him up" on my blog.

This is what you get, dear hearts, when you dance with celebrity.



Molly said...

My husband's new "lifestyle" (whole wheat pasta, salad for lunch every day, no bread, lots of lean protein) means that he can wear my jeans, after two months of his little "lifestyle" experiment.

Quite honestly, there are times that I hate his breathing guts.

Asthmagirl said...

I'm laughing so hard, I'm holding my spleen in place by laying on my desk and wheezing!
Surely they cut our husbands apart at some point... they had to have been joined at birth.

My husbands favorite saying... "I can't eat this shit" as he looks at a) herbed chicken tortalini b) lentil soup or c) chicken and black bean soft tacos.

I have to turn away so he doesn't see me rolling my eyes. When he ate cabbage and yogurt for two months, he thought he found eden. When the 20 pounds came back after he stopped exercising... oh, heck... you know the story. On to the next miracle!

Maybe it's a genetic defect? It's certainly entertaining.

Shannon said...

How did he like your homemade hot dogs? Did he get to eat them before he started his new lifestyle?

Before you know it, another fabulous lifestyle will come along and he'll hit the trail to a new him ;)

He's like Madonna...constantly reinventing him self.

Familia Cazorla Wood said...

Oh yeah! I can relate to suddenly weighing more than my husband *and* having the same size feet after pregnancy. that, and mommy brain never gets better, so now he's smarter than me too!

Krysta said...

Kim, hop on a plane and come visit me. Our kids will get along great and I'll feed you whatever you want! Then go back when the hubby is done with this latest fad. That'll teach him to say the "v" word again!

The Yummy Mummy said...

Molly & Asthma Girl - You guys crack me up. Glad to know it's some kind of evolutionary adaptation.

Good thing they are cute...

Shannon - Yes, he is Madonna and gratefully, the hot dogs were during his "eat anything" phase. I love that phase. I miss that phase.

FCW - Thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one, you know, about the feet thing. Isn't that insane? What the hell is that?

Evil Chef Mom - Don't tempt me with your "hop on the plane" stuff because I might do it. What would you do if you found me standing there on your doorstep?

Don't freakin' tempt me...

Krysta said...

Kim, I'd give you a big huge old hug and then ask you what would you like for dinner?

Izzy's Mama said...

It might be best to over look certain short-comings..

I have to suffer a husband who has always been rail thin and insists that the best way to stay that way is just by not eating three meals a day. Sometimes he forgets to eat, or if he gets home too late says, "I'm too tired to eat. I'll just eat tomorrow."

The Yummy Mummy said...

Krysta - Don't tempt me with your gourmet cooking and lovely hugs - we'll be in CA in May. David is meeting with a not-to-be-named "mega-popstar" in LA (his life is soooooo sexy) and I will be schlepping my car seat-hating kids around LA. Are you guys close to LA or is that like a totally stupid question?

Izzy's Mama - I think on principal your husband should always weigh more than you do. It's in the bible. It's the law of God.


Annie K. Nodes said...

Sounds like you could use a can of Redi Whip.

Badass Geek said...

I adopted "The Apathy Diet" a few years back. I can eat whatever I want, because I just don't care.

Also, thanks for the comment on my blog! You are very funny as well, I'll be stopping by again!

Mommy said...

Husbands need us to be mean now and then. Makes them feel loved.

I call mine Drama Queen.

Seriously, he is the female in this relationship!

frogpondsrock said...

I just came over here from Veronica's she of the sleepless nights..

Thankyou... It is early in the morning and I have just started the day giggling and smiling..
cheers Kim

Krysta said...

No, I'm in Stockton about a six hour car drive north...if you drive like me. (about 45-60 minutes away from S.F. and 60 minutes from Sacramento;depending on traffic)Which is crazy fast. White on Rice is down south and so is Undomestic Diva. Two of my favorite bloggers. Though White on Rice would feed you beet ice cream. Seriously if i lived down there I'd invite you to dinner and maybe give your husband a firm talking to mentioning that "v" word.

Jen said...

Kim, I just discovered your blog through Dad Gone Mad and I have to tell you, you crack me up! Your family sounds wonderful, even when your husband whacks out a little.
I especially loved your letter to Dora- my 2 yo son just discovered her and all day long he goes "Fwiper, no fwiping!" and I have to reply "Oh man!" or suffer the wrath.
I love your writing and will check back often!

Jen said...

PS: my husband has always been skinnier than me even though he's been known to eat a lb of bacon for breakfast and ignore the quiche! No fair.

Robin Aronson said...

Ahhh, the husbands. They get these ideas! And they just can't stop themselves! It's shocking, really. Good thing they're so sweet. What with all that powdered fruit.

Christine said...

Oh dear. My SO is on a diet kick too. Only it's something along the lines of eat four meals a day and it tells you what to eat, like this:

1. hard boiled eggs
2. delicious shrimp and/or roast beef
3. green vegetables
4. baked beans

Dude, it says delicious shrimp. For real. And it has a day where I'm only supposed to eat fruit all day. I cheat a lot at home. He's also been going to the gym. I have not. Oh well, maybe you guys should move to Philadelphia so we can hang out while the SOs obsess over the new latest thing.

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