I was on Google Analytics for like the 3,000th time this month and have been thrilled to see my reader numbers increasing a lot and decided to happily troll through the the search terms that people use to get to my blog, just to see what people are looking for. Many were predictable, food and kids and marriage related, some very cool - apparently a lot of Martha Stewart fans come here to read about me lovingly making fun of her - and some just down-right perverted and ridiculous.
I share the perverted and ridiculous ones with you now. Because that's the kind of blogger I am. And it's Friday. And I am trying to amuse myself. Three very good reasons.
Now, remember what this means is that at least one person, usually more, typed this phrase into Google. And somehow my blog popped up. My comments and observations are in italics.
Pictures of girls in big girl underpants (leave my blog and never come back. Asses)
Yummy sperm (Well, okay...)
Aussie whore (That’s tea whore, freak)
Are fish sticks good for sperm? (yes)
Pork yogurt (sounds tasty)
Eats her boogers (all the time. Tastes like chicken)
Glimpse of my nipple (can’t you see your own nipple?)
See her hoo ha (and?...)
101 uses for maxi pads (I got one use, that’s it)
Big boobs of yummy Kim (got me some of those)
Boob torture video (my nipples know torture. Video has nothing on me)
Then he touched my hoo ha. (why do you Google this?)
Wife likes big coq. (that’s cock, you freak.)
Bourdain sperm (obviously the work of Evil chef Mom and Saint Tigerlily)
Can you sue Pathmark for a wet floor? (the litigious even come to my blog)
I apply curd on my wife’s boobs. (this isn’t you Cheesmonger’s Wife, is it?)
I see my mom take sexy shower. (this sentence should never even appear in your brain)
I still wee in my big girl underpants. (use Depends. Helps a whole bunch)
Kids that eat their own poop. (apparently many kids eat their own poop and their parents are turning to Google in record numbers. And then ultimately to my blog)
Poo eating mummy.
Poop eating kids.
Is it better to say poop or poo?
Daddies who have kids who eat poop.
Mommies married to Daddy’s who have kids who eat poop.
Do your kids eat poop?
What to do about kids who eat poo.
Shrimp poop eaters. (huh?)
My boyfriend wants to eat my poop. (get new boyfriend)
Spray Lysol on crotch. (you’ll need to if boyfriend is asking to eat your poo)
And my personal favorite.
Kim Foster naked. (obviously the handy work of someone with good taste)
My readers are nuts.
PS To Robin at Local or Express?: This is why you need to get on Google Analytics immediately.
PPS: And yes, Molly at The NonHipster Mom. You're right - the picture from my last post of the woman on all fours with a milk machine attached to her breasts will not help.