Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Pim & Ravid: The Sex-a-Palooza Continues


One More Sex Fest Story. This is the last one. I swear. Then back to savory onion tarts and Panzanella Salad and dishes made with fat pumpkins and tart apples.

Actually, this story I’m going to tell you isn’t really about David and I at all. It might sound a little like us and it might coincide with Sex Fest 2008 and the sojourning of my eggs, but it’s not us. I would never be so indiscreet as to discuss our sex on my blog. Really.

This story is about a couple named...um, Ravid and Pim. That’s right. Pim was ovulating and she and Ravid really wanted to have another baby, so they decided to use an ovulation predictor which would tell them the two very best days to have sex so they could stream-line their efforts. This worked fine and the two lines showed up on the indicator as expected and Ravid and Pim were a-go. They got up at 6 am to pursue what now will be called the “Activities” before the children woke up.

But before the Activities could get underway, one child, we’ll call her Meedie, woke up and wanted to hang out and this put a serious damper on the Activities. Then, Pim had to go out and move the cars all around and attend to alternate side of the street parking. Ravid and Pim decided that Ravid would try to get Meedie back to sleep while Pim parked the cars and they would meet back in the bedroom in exactly 45 minutes.

Everyone synchronized their watches. They were going to have their Activities no matter what.

So, then Pim parked the cars and came back with a hopeful heart only to find Ravid sipping a cup of tea while both kids, Meedie and the one we now call Poocy, jumping up and down on the bed laughing wildly. There would be no sleeping. There would be no Activities.

Pim could feel her lone egg dying as she stood there. Pim made breakfast. The breakfast was awesome. But that’s not what this is about.

Pim came up with a plan while she was gently poaching Ravid’s eggs (which she thinks might be a metaphor for this entire story, but she can’t quite make it fit). Anyway, Pim would wait until the babysitter arrived at 9am and then, they would act out a covert operation that would ensure the Activities would ensue.

Pim whispered the plan to Ravid. Ravid agreed. Pim considered telling the babysitter about the plan, just to get her help with things, but then thought better of it. Does a 25 year old girl really want to have the image in her head of her middle age employers doing their Activities? Not really.

And so Pim and Ravid lied like incumbent politicians to their children and to their babysitter and said goodbye like they were leaving to go somewhere and waited for the kids to get in the bath tub.

After waiting the pre-requisite time period, and feeling just a little foolish loitering in the hallway, Pim cracked open the front door, just a smidge and listened. She could hear the kids were happily splashing and chatting in the tub. Pim felt a little thrill, like she was a in a James Bond movie or something. She decided to use that for the Activities. She waved Ravid in and like a sniper or Ninja or something, Pim scooched low and dodged from arm chair to table to couch until she got to the safety of the master suite.

Ravid, missing out on the whole intrepid spy in Saigon motif, ambled through the living room checking his blackberry for last minute messages. Whatever.

They got to the master suite undetected by the kids or the sitter. Great. But there is no lock on the door to the master suite so the kids or the babysitter could easily walk in. This was no good. Both Pim and Ravid needed to concentrate. Interruptions could be catastrophic to the process. I mean, it’s not like they’re 22 anymore or anything.

But Pim had already anticipated this problem and came up with a crafty solution while poaching the eggs. By the way, a lot of good ideas come from poaching. I’m not sure why. Anyway, Pim realized that the master bathroom did lock and so she dragged the duna off the bed and positioned it as a comfy cushion on floor of the master bath.

This seemed fine but there was another problem. The lights over the bathroom mirror are very bright and so if you turn them on, it’s like having the Activities in like the men’s khaki section at Walmart or something, and if you turn them off, it’s pitch black, which is kind of like having the activities in a coffin.

Coffin. Walmart. Coffin. Walmart.

It was a toss up and neither was acceptable and there really wasn’t time for the great debate. Eggs were sitting around waiting for a hook-up, children were preparing to open every door and closet to find their parents, babysitters were threatening to walk in and be all mortified at their nakedness.

So Pim and Ravid decided to close the door to the bedroom suite and nearly close the door to the darkened bathroom, leaving only a sliver of light in to provide some semblance of atmosphere and romance. Pim and Ravid are like geniuses.

There was some frantic undressing and Pim, in one of the most sexy and romantic gestures of her lifetime, reminded Ravid that he was on the clock and dawdling would be frowned upon. Ravid thanked her for the helpful up-date.

Then, Pim and Ravid made a solemn promise that no matter what kind of Activities ensued, they would be very quiet.

And we were. I mean, Ravid and Pim were.

xxoo YM

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7 comments:

Krysta said...

speechless... who knew you could write funny porn?

famdoz said...

Your last two posts have been very very funny, Pim... err, I mean Kim

SaintTigerlily said...

Ha. Thank you! I had to come in at 7 today! I needed that.

And now I need some eggs. The chicken kind.

melissa said...

Oh.my.god.

By the time I got to this:

Coffin. Walmart. Coffin. Walmart.

I lost it completely.

Holy cow, Kim. You're amazing. Thank you for making my day. *Still giggling*

The Mulligan Family said...

Well, I am hoping that you and David... er... I mean Pim and Ravid are enjoying Sex Fest 2008 and that your activities don't have to be so covert the next time!

ntsc said...

Have super put a lock on the door? Hard floors are really tough on the knees.

bob marley & lucy liu said...

Bwaaaahahahahaha! Thank you for that laugh; what a cute and funny story!

I stalk your blog. I'm sandi in arizona. Nice to meet you, even if on such a personal note. grins!